I got Flowers today...

Today I got flowers from my staffing team for Admin day which is cool even though I'm not an admin they said since there isn't a coordinator day they wanted to do something nice for me. Can you believe I couldn't cry and we all know why, I just don't have anymore tears. I never thought I'd see that day because I am what you call a water world.

It made me feel really special and it made me feel that even though I am a contractor they do see what I do for them. I just wish I would get hired already! Today I am in a great mood and I will try to keep it up there.

I don't know how...

After reading a comment from my girl P, I have came to the conclusion that I really don't know how to express my feelings, my thoughts but I do know how to express my anger, shit who doesn't. So I will try to be a bit more open to my peeps. I may write stuff from my past and some from my present, but I don't want anyone to feel any pity for me in anyway! The things that happen to us are things that make who we are, we can't help it.

Well last night I had a nightmare that made me wake up in tears and I felt scared. I was in a hospital bed, dying my husband was at my side and the crazy thing is that I can feel where the IV was in my left hand. It scared me because I was looking at myself but I wasn't really there, do I make sense? It was as if I were look through a window. I could see the worry on my husband's face the pain that he was going through. And my mom was there, her and my husband took turns watching over my last few moments of life. My body just laid still but my appearance was as if I were very young, my skin looked so soft and my hair was its natural color.

Is this a sign is god trying to tell me something? But what? I sat up in my bed and cried for a bit, while watching my husband sleep I prayed.

I'm worried and scared, I try not to show it because I have to be strong for everyone, but is that the way I'm really suppose to be. When is it ok for me to feel the way I do, when can I show it? Confusion does run through my head, my sister's don't talk about it, you know the pain that I'm going through it's like they don't want to deal with it. But its here and until the doctor says Janice it's gone away then I must deal with it. It's like my world revolves around this one problem, I don't want it to but I guess that is the scared me.

Is it bad for me to feel this way?

Thanks

I'm am doing much better, after a few days of letting things sink in I will admit I feel better! I want to thank everyone for their support, P thanks for checking up on me at work!

My Results

Well my doctor called me yesterday with some of my results and here they are:

My kidney's are fine, it's my ovaries that aren't producing insulin so I have to wait to see the infertility doctor for that problem.

My hormones are totally out of balance, have to wait for the infertility doctor for that problem as well.

Now for my biopsy this one is a rough one but here I go. The lining that is around my uterus is very thick, I have to keep taking the pill to try to shed some of the lining. Because the lining is so thick it has caused me to be in the first stages of cancer, in a few months I will have another biopsy done and we will see if the cancer is advanced in anyway or if it has gone away with the pills. I will continue to have strong pains in my lower abdominal area because of the pill and what it is trying to do with the lining.

And those are my results.

It is what it is!

WELL I HAVE TURNED OVER MY DILEMA TO GOD, I KNOW THAT HE WILL HELP IN MY TIME OF NEED. EVEN THOUGH I WAS PRETTY DOWN YESTERDAY EVERYONE DID THERE BEST TO KEEP ME UP AND I JUST WANTED TO THANK EVERYONE FOR SUCH POSITIVE WORDS.

TODAY IS GOOD FRIDAY, I THINK IT'S MORE LIKE GREAT FRIDAY! SINCE MY DOCTOR'S VISIT ALL I DO IS CRY, LET ME TELL YOU I'M SO DRAINED. ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO HOME AND GO TO BED, YEAH LIKE THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. I HAVE TO GO TO MY MOTHER IN LAW'S HOUSE FOR MY NEPHEW'S 3RD BIRTHDAY, THEN OUT TO DINNER AT 8 WITH MY SISTER'S AND BROTHER. THEN TOMORROW I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY AND DRIVE TO ANAHIEM TO CELEBRATE MY NEPHEW'S BIRTHDAY AGAIN AT ADVENTURE CITY, HAS ANYONE BEEN THERE? THEN OFF TO DINNER FOR MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY THEN SUNDAY IS EASTER. WHAT A BUSY WEEKEND, DID EVERYONE DO THEIR TAXES??? WELL PLEASE DROP BY AND FILL ME IN ON WHAT EVERYONE IS DOING. HAVE A HAPPY EASTER!

What next?

WELL YESTERDAY I HAD A DOCTOR VISIT, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING IN FOR A GENERAL CHECK UP WHICH I DID. THE WONDERFUL THINGS THAT US WOMEN HAVE TO GO THROUGH, THE FEELING OF THE BREAST TO MAKE SURE NO LUMPS, THE PAP WHERE THEY STICK THERE FINGERS IN YOU TO FEEL YOUR INSIDES. THEN MY DOCTOR WANTED ME TO HAVE A BIOPSY ON MY UTERUS, SEE SINCE I HAVE PCOS I DON'T GET A PERIOD AND SINCE IT WAS A TOTAL OF 9 MONTH SINCE I'VE SEEN ONE THEY WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT I HAVEN'T DEVELOPED CANCER, YES YOU READ IT RIGHT CANCER.

I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND SO AS I SIT HER IN A LIL BIT OF PAIN FROM THE POKING AND THE PINCHING FROM YESTERDAY, I CAN'T HELP IT BUT I KEEP HEARING THE WORD CANCER PLAY IN THE BACK OF MY MIND. IS THIS FOR REAL??

WELL THEY ALSO RAN SOME BLOOD WORK TO SEE IF MY KINDNEY'S OR OVARIES AREN'T PRODUCING INSULIN, SO ANOTHER THING I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT. MY HUSBAND IS GREAT SUPPORT BUT I THINK ONCE THE WHOLE CANCER THING SANK IN HE HUGGED ME AND WAS LIKE I'M NOT GOING TO LOSE YOU THEN WE BOTH CRIED.

GUYS I AM SCARED!

JUST A FEW WORDS

FOR SOME REASON I JUST COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED TODAY, I'M NOT SURE IF I'M COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING OR IT'S JUST MY DEPRESSION TAKING IT'S TOLL ON MY BODY. AS I SIT HERE AND BEGIN TO EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS IN THIS BLOG I CAN FEEL THE TEARS STARTING TO DEVELOPE IN MY EYES. SOMETIMES I JUS WANT TO GIVE UP, I BET YOUR WONDERING WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT WELL LET ME EXPLAIN. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR A YEAR AND 3 MONTHS AND MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET PREGNANT BUT NO LUCK.

MY SISTER JUST ANNOUNCED THAT SHE IS GOING TO HAVE A BABY. WHEN I HEARD THIS MY BODY AND EXPRESSIONS JUST WENT NUMB. I JUST STOOD THERE AND CRIED, NOT A LOUD CRY JUST TEAR ROLLED DOWN MY FACE. NO BODY KNOWS HOW MUCH THIS IS KILLING ME INSIDE, THE PAIN I AM FEELING IS ONE THAT I DON'T EVER WISH UPON ANYONE. WHEN WILL IT BE ME TO HAVE SUCH WONDERFUL NEWS, I'M SORRY IF I SHOWING SIGNS OF WEAKNESS OR SELFISHNESS THOSE AREN'T MY INTENTIONS.

I SIT AND ASK MYSELF WHY NOT ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT IS SO BAD THAT GOD WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO BE A MOMMMY? BUT I SIT AND I KNOW THAT IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS, ONLY GOD KNOWS WHEN IT WILL BE MY TIME AND I SHOULDN'T BE ASKING GOD THESE QUESTIONS. I FEEL SO ANGRY NOT AT MY SISTER BUT ANGRY IN GENERAL. I CAN'T LOOK MY SISTER IN THE EYE WITHOUT FEELING SO HOPELESS, LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU I HAVE PCOS:

PCOS is a health problem that can affect a woman’s menstrual cycle, fertility, hormones, insulin production, heart, blood vessels, and appearance. Women with PCOS have these characteristics:

high levels of male hormones, also called androgens
an irregular or no menstrual cycle
may or may not have many small cysts in their ovaries. Cysts are fluid-filled sacs.
PCOS is the most common hormonal reproductive problem in women of childbearing age.

These are some of the symptoms of PCOS:

infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
infertility or inability to get pregnant because of not ovulating
increased growth of hair on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
acne, oily skin, or dandruff
pelvic pain
weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
type 2 diabetes
high cholesterol
high blood pressure
male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
sleep apnea―excessive snoring and breathing stops at times while asleep


IF YOU THINK YOU MAY HAVE PCOS, PLEASE GET IT CHECKED OUT! THANKS FOR LISTENING!