I don't know how...
After reading a comment from my girl P, I have came to the conclusion that I really don't know how to express my feelings, my thoughts but I do know how to express my anger, shit who doesn't. So I will try to be a bit more open to my peeps. I may write stuff from my past and some from my present, but I don't want anyone to feel any pity for me in anyway! The things that happen to us are things that make who we are, we can't help it.
Well last night I had a nightmare that made me wake up in tears and I felt scared. I was in a hospital bed, dying my husband was at my side and the crazy thing is that I can feel where the IV was in my left hand. It scared me because I was looking at myself but I wasn't really there, do I make sense? It was as if I were look through a window. I could see the worry on my husband's face the pain that he was going through. And my mom was there, her and my husband took turns watching over my last few moments of life. My body just laid still but my appearance was as if I were very young, my skin looked so soft and my hair was its natural color.
Is this a sign is god trying to tell me something? But what? I sat up in my bed and cried for a bit, while watching my husband sleep I prayed.
I'm worried and scared, I try not to show it because I have to be strong for everyone, but is that the way I'm really suppose to be. When is it ok for me to feel the way I do, when can I show it? Confusion does run through my head, my sister's don't talk about it, you know the pain that I'm going through it's like they don't want to deal with it. But its here and until the doctor says Janice it's gone away then I must deal with it. It's like my world revolves around this one problem, I don't want it to but I guess that is the scared me.
Is it bad for me to feel this way?
Well last night I had a nightmare that made me wake up in tears and I felt scared. I was in a hospital bed, dying my husband was at my side and the crazy thing is that I can feel where the IV was in my left hand. It scared me because I was looking at myself but I wasn't really there, do I make sense? It was as if I were look through a window. I could see the worry on my husband's face the pain that he was going through. And my mom was there, her and my husband took turns watching over my last few moments of life. My body just laid still but my appearance was as if I were very young, my skin looked so soft and my hair was its natural color.
Is this a sign is god trying to tell me something? But what? I sat up in my bed and cried for a bit, while watching my husband sleep I prayed.
I'm worried and scared, I try not to show it because I have to be strong for everyone, but is that the way I'm really suppose to be. When is it ok for me to feel the way I do, when can I show it? Confusion does run through my head, my sister's don't talk about it, you know the pain that I'm going through it's like they don't want to deal with it. But its here and until the doctor says Janice it's gone away then I must deal with it. It's like my world revolves around this one problem, I don't want it to but I guess that is the scared me.
Is it bad for me to feel this way?
posted by Let @ 9:34 AM
2 Comments:
At 10:50 AM,
P said…
Of course not. Everything that you feel is natural. I haven't experienced it personally, but I have experienced pain and near death experiences. Not 'seeing' the light near death stuff, just thinking that something is going to happen to you.
For that reason, it's okay to express how you feel and what you think. In fact, it makes me sick when people are going through something and you see an article and they say something like "Brave so and so - How they are dealing with such and such". It doesn't matter if they are talking about Jessica Simpson, or Dana Reeve.
The point is, how do they know they are brave? How do they know they are not stressed. Of course people have a face they put on in public - I call it their authroized representative.
Our emotions and pain are there for us to act and react. You are probably still in the state of shock.
As for your dream though, I don't think that's a sign of anything. I just think that's what's been occupying most of your thoughts, and thus, have creeped into your dreams.
What do you think?
At 11:22 AM,
Let said…
P I think you right about my dream, death runs through my head a lot. Yesterday my mom was telling me that my grandpa ( he has cancer as well as heart problems) is very, very ill and the doctor took him off all his cancer meds. and put him on this strong medicine for his heart that he can only take everyother day. Well it all comes down to having him around for another 6 months and thats it. He has lived his given time which was 3 years with the cancer but I guess his heart is giving in.
Gosh when it rains it pours!
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